Laying it bare
While some people go away for the summer holidays, I'm currently cauldron-stirring + writing my next book, Witch. Can I tell you how weird it is to write a book that's already for sale on Amazon? VERY WEIRD. That's how weird.
Now, I vow to SHE everyday that I'll share my experience of being a woman in real time, not when I have shit figured out, it's what I signed up for, so over the weekend, as I wrote, it had me feeling ALL the personal feels + I want to share.
I'm often portrayed as the 'dark and intense one' by friends + people I work with and I'm so happy to own that, because I AM dark and intense - I'm a witch, I write about subjects that have been placed in the dark + called taboo, I'm a Scorpio, I've got black hair + gypsy eyes, I prefer ocean-deep conversations over shallow + surface level chat, but I heard my heart screaming 'tell them you're funny too, show them how funny you are, woman you're funny!'
Secondly, + I shared this in the coven I'm currently circling with in SHE Power Summer School, I dropped all the fierce self-responsibility. Consciously.
I wrote: I want to experience being the woman who ISN'T dark. I want to be the woman who has it super easy for a while. (I laugh at that now, because seriously, does she ACTUALLY exist?) I want to be the one who has a rich husband that pays for everything while I play, create + go on retreats. I want parents who love and support me (and are alive, that would help.) I want to be the one who success comes easy to, I want to be the one who had 20k followers on Instagram. I want to write about something that's everyone loves + that's easy to package.
Honestly, in that moment, as I was journalling, I wanted to be THAT woman. SO BAD. Because sometimes, being THIS one, in THIS body, experiencing THIS life, is bloody tough.
I wrote + wrote + wrote until I finally felt ready to consciously claim back my power + Take self-responsibility. But before I did, I took a deep breath, laid naked in my garden + gave it all back to SHE. Here you go lady, YOU deal with that. I didn't try + fix it, or try to figure out its meaning, I didn't feel guilt or shame for being someone who should have this all figured out, I just placed my palms flat on the earth and gave it to her. SHE can handle it. Then I took the picture that's above. It's my truth selfie. I then turned on FB + read something that made me feel witnessed and seen and embarrassed + shy in circle - a Wonder Woman had expressed her truth of how she saw me in the world. Usually, rightly or wrongly, I don't allow myself to meet the gratitude or the criticism. But that day, I welcomed the validation. I welcomed being seen. Fully. I felt grateful to be seen in all my messiness + that despite that messiness, grateful that women still show up + want to be in circle with me, to work with me, to share with me.
And it prompted me to want to thank you. For letting me show up in your world each week. For letting me write you love letters, for letting me share my stories, my truth + my offerings. For digging what I share even when I don't come in a glossed up package, even when I don't make sound-bite worthy videos + get fear-y anytime I make them. I'm a woman getting messy in the blood and guts of this experience, a woman offering herself up to SHE as a vessel + and sharing what I feel and learn as insight, in real time, not waiting 'til I have it all figured out + tied up in a pretty pink bow ready to sell to you as something that can fix you or mend something.
I work with women to take fierce self-responsibility for themselves, to call back their power, to learn ways in which to respond to life and not react to it, and this is how I did it this weekend. I made a conscious decision to let myself feel what needed to be felt - the need to be mothered, to be looked after financially - I let myself be in my shadow + I pulled it all up to the surface. And I saw it + I witnessed it + I didn't try to fix it. I placed my hands on mumma earth + I gave it back to her. SHE can handle it. But guess what SHE is me. I am SHE. SHE can handle it. I can handle it. We are SHE + SHE is WE. We've got this, women.