Bring on your ugly
Are you a people pleaser? I used to totally rock the people pleaser title. I was the kind o' girl who would drop everything to please. I'd play small too, it was just easier that way. I also said what I thought people wanted to hear in order to keep the peace, be liked, to fit in.
My inner good girl won out for a lot of my teens and early twenties, she equated speaking out and standing in your truth as...well, a bit ugly, and she didn't want me to be ugly. She wanted me to be pretty and lovable, one of those well-liked girls who said the right thing, caused no trouble and wore pretty, inoffensive ensembles.
My mumma wished really hard for all those things for me too. She'd also have liked me to have had a baby, been a teacher, and not had tattoos.
Unfortunately, when I hit 29, I became a big huge-ass disappointment to both my mumma and my inner good girl.
Astro-geeks will know that this is the year of your Saturn Return, if shit is not as it should be in your life, your ass will be kicked. Hard. I speak from experience on this one, but in amongst the substantial heart breaking/life sucking/ass-kicking, there was a beautiful lesson, as there always is if we’re willing to look, and it was this: I was tired of starring in the movie Good Girl.
My life was like a bad straight to DVD movie. It lacked plot, was totally predictable and the sex scenes were rubbish.
So, I tore up the script. I picked up a new ink-filled pen, and let my big, boom-y, beat-y heart, write a new story so real and true, I could do nothing except follow it.
I got tattoos. I became self-employed. I wrote for teen girls, but started a blog where I talked about sex and vibrators. I discovered Kali Ma. I travelled solo. I split up from the dude I was going to marry after eight years of being together. I took lovers. I got feisty. I become an advocate for girlkind. I appeared on the front pages of newspapers being called a 'pedlar of death' because I dared to speak to teen girls about their options when pregnant. I found out I had endometriosis so the chances of me having children were slim to none according to the doctors. Basically my new story, my truth, was a step by step guide on how to piss yo' mumma (and your inner good girl) off.
Maybe it’s because the veil has been at it’s thinnest over Samhain, maybe it’s because it was my first birthday without her, maybe it’s just because I’m finding it a whole lot more difficult than I’d anticipated navigating this new parentless landscape without her, but this past week, seven months since she left her body, I’ve missed my mumma a LOT.
But it got me to thinking, imagine if I'd not tore up my good girl script, the one that my mumma would have LOVED for me to live by, what would THAT landscape look like now that she’s not here? For me, it’s proof, if ever proof was needed, how vital it is, no matter how much you love someone, or seek their approval in life, to rip up any script that doesn’t align with your personal truth.
It may have been written with love, with the best will and intention in the world, but if it doesn’t resonate, if it steers you from the path of YOU-ness, don’t accept the starring role.
Your truth resides in your heart. Get to know it. Spend time with it, date it, make out with it. Don't be surprised if it's not perfect. It may be messy, in fact I can pretty much guarantee that it will be, it'll be real and raw too, and no matter how much you try to ignore them or push them aside, there will be dark shadows.
Totally relevant interlude: While the Viking is super-chilled, I am very Kali-esque in our relationship, and for a while, when we first met, I tried to keep the shout-y, emotive fierce-ass me in a corner. Bad move. No one puts shout-y fierce-ass Kali in a corner. Or anywhere dark for that matter because g-friend gets gnarly. Also, the Viking kinda digs her a li'l bit.
Don't hide. Don't surpress. Own it all. The fun, the dark, the light, the deep, the scary, the weird, the kooky, the lover, the bitch. Know it all. Own it all. Because when you do, you become whole.
Women have been locked up, shamed, slaughtered, burnt for expressing this kind o’ authenticity, we owe it to them to stand in our truth, to spit and hiss, to roar and to be unapologetic for who we are.
So don't hold back, dare to get to know your truth. Get wild, Show me your 'fuck you' eyes. Bring your best ugly.
I know this dance. I know it really well. And while it may be tempting to run from it, I promise you it's where the gold is, it's where our sacred medicine is. It's how we really start to navigate our lady landscape - not a euphemism, but totally should be.
If you'd like me to be your change-shit-up-er, to help you discover your truth, know yourself fully and come into wholeness as a woman, I have two work-with-me-now options available right now:
SASSY SHE SESSIONS: Each month for six months, you + me + the SASSY SHE. (That is quite the threesome) will combine soul medicine, truth and SASSY sorcery to uncover all that is wild, cyclical, fierce and untamed about being a woman. It's the best kind o' work. Head over to SASSY SHE Sessions, and I'll hit you up with the deets.
SASSY SHE RETREAT: Join me in Seville early next year for the first SASSY SHE Soiree - a weekend where we will deep-dive to connect with your SASSY SHE – your feminine superpower. We will cut through the bullshit, you'll gain clarity, and through creativity, story-telling, shamanic drumming, divine movement, and SASSY sorcery - you will unfold, unfurl and reveal your very own you-nique-to-you story. Your truth. I'd love for you to join us - if you book before Nov 30th 2013, you'll receive a 20% discount!