Breaking v. Breaking Open
The hot Viking + I don't have kids. Now, this bothers every one else apart from us. At family events we take bets on who will be the first to say 'ohh, when are you two having babies?' How I feel about that is another blog entry entirely (in fact, that's a whole freakin' book) but for a month or two in my previous eight-year relationship, I was pregnant. Except, I didn’t want it. That’s not true, I did want it, but not with him. I was preparing to tell my best friend – because I was totally going to tell her before I told him, my best friend is golden and she ALWAYS knows what to do – when I felt a tug in my womb, a pain so strong and violent that it pulled me to the ground. I was bleeding. For the next three hours, I sat on the toilet and watched as my insides shed. I cried. I wailed. And then for the rest of my life, until the very moment that I’m sitting here in front of the screen typing these words to you right now, I’ve never spoken about it. Not to my best friend, not to him, not to my hot Viking husband, not to myself.
Such is the beauty of Exploring Your Lady Landscape. It WILL break you open. It WILL peel back layers where you thought there were none. After that bloody awful night, I went straight back to 'doing.' I was a career girl with money, who wrote words, travelled and had nice things.
I didn’t stop. I didn't honour that soul. I didn’t honour myself. So it was no surprise that soon after, the relationship ended and from that moment forward, life got a whole lot of suck. I broke. I broke so hard and I lost everything.
I lost my home, my career nose-dived because I could no longer write the words I was being asked to write, my endometriosis hospitalised me. In fact, I lost any idea of who I actually was, and in writing this, I now see why. I had to lose everything to find my way home to myself.
But, if I didn’t break, I wouldn’t have gone on the adventure that has been this exploration of my lady landscape; I wouldn’t have discovered the amazing power of my menstrual cycle; I wouldn’t have trained with incredible teachers; I wouldn’t be sharing what I know with you right now.
When you don’t honour yourself, your body, your rhythms + flow – you will always break. Sometimes right away, sometimes a year or five later, but you will break because this is the way of the feminine.
If you do not work with your cycle, you work yourself into a place of depletion whether it’s shooting for the top rung of the career ladder or whether it’s keeping your shit together for the sake of your brand/family/parents/lover or any of the gazillion possibilities in between that women do in order NOT to break. Thing is, if you ignore your cycle, the monthly ebb and flow, the opportunity to create and let go, the opportunity that we are given EVERY month to give our body, mind and spirit exactly what it needs in the phase that it needs it, you will break, because ignoring your cycle is ignor- ing SHE, the divine feminine and basically, she’ll keep encouraging you to break until like the Hindu goddess Akhilanda, you become never NOT broken. I wrote about her in my previous book SASSY, and I talk about her in most CODE RED workshops, because when we as women realise we’re never NOT broken, we stop using those broken pieces as a way to cut, shame and punish ourselves for not being good enough and instead see that the space between the beautiful broken shards is our place to learn and grow.
You know those moments when you feel useless and like you can’t do anything right? Those raging body pains you experience during pre-menstruation? The need to receive outside validation from others to prove your self-worth? They are all your body’s way of letting you know that something is NOT cool, that you’re suppressing an emotion or belief that is no longer serving you and unless you address it, it will come back bigger and badder each and every month ‘til you do. That’s how SHE rolls.
What's your body telling you right now? Are you a striver always moving forward, always stressed + never stopping to learn + integrate the lessons because well, there's just no time + you've got too much to do? Are you feeling depressed + upset but can't pin point one actual thing that's causing it? I can guarantee that what you're feeling + experiencing is because of the disconnect between you, your body and your cyclic nature which is why I would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to invite you to join me on September 8th 2015 for a 28 day Explore Your Lady Landscape online immersion. If you've read Code Red + want to go deeper, if you're suffering from menstrual or reproductive issues, or you want to understand your #ladylandscape better - join me on Sept 8th as we Explore Your Lady Landscape.