Blessed yule, post-surgery musings + a declaration of 'all in-ness'
So, it was the Viking and I’s wedding anniversary on the 21st, and as well as the fun, laughter + ridiculous amount o’ love stuff that happened on that day, we made a vow to each other that in work, love + life we would be 'all in'.
The whole SHEbang, because when you witness + experience death as much as both the Viking and I have in the last 2 years (him even longer, he’s an A+E nurse) you start to realise that certificates on a wall, doing things to please others + the safeness of the known, are NOT what you give a shit about in your last moments, what matters is a heart full of love + no regrets.
But I keep coming back to that vow. In the last 2 years, I’ve not always been 'all in'. When I thought I could co-exist with the loss of my parents, waves of grief continued to knock me to my knees when I least expected it. I’ve ate that grief, probably 50lb in total. Because of the weight gain, my endometriosis has come back bigger, more painful + gnarlier than ever. I’ve not gone out when people have asked, I’ve turned down MASSIVE work opportunities preferring to stay in the Viking + I’s safe bubble because in every moment I’m fearful that if I turn my back for one minute, my forever love will be taken from me too.
So at the last new moon, the Viking + I lit a fire in our new garden and we re-negotiated what ‘all in’ means to us both. As witches/hippies/pagans/vikings - pick your label - we both live in tune with the cycles of the seasons + the sabbats and as we moved towards the winter solstice, the dark time, a time for us to retreat, do less and evaluate, it became clear that 'all in' doesn’t mean full on. It doesn’t mean we have to constantly vom light, love + unicorns. It doesn’t mean positivity is our default setting.
'All in' means loving the ugly crying face as well as the 'let's make out' eyes, dancing at our edges + dancing in the park, walking into the fiery flames and feeling the burn + swimming with the current and flow o' the sea. 'All in' is ALL OF IT.
Last week I had surgery - they poked, prodded, cut shiz out and now I’m sore - the Viking was the perfect nurse, I was and still am being the very worse patient, now 'all in' to me looks like a simple question that must be asked daily: ‘Does it nourish me?’
A question that is applicable to food, people, experiences, life situations, work opportunities and…well, pretty much anything, because if it doesn’t nourish my heart, gut or womb, then it’s a ‘no' from me.Because I want to live a full 'all in' life.
My mumma, while doing LOTS o’ awesome stuff on her bucket list before she died, still left her body with regrets + I thought that, in her death, I had learned to stop being afraid to live my life, but it turns out I hadn’t.
I have done awesome things, my relationship with the Viking is a true soul-call and I’ve had epic adventures, but in the process, I’ve ate my grief, my fears, my anxiety + my depression + got really fat. So fat that my quality of life was impeded, I became a life saboteur, deeming myself not worthy of a big, full epic adventure filled, 'all in' life.
Now, I’m not making any massive declarations of diets, gimmicks, or weight loss, but I am committing to an ‘all in’ nourishing life. A life where I no longer use food to numb pain or fear or anxiety. A life where I’m not constantly concerned that the people I show love or affection to will die. A life where I make wise choices for my womb, gut and heart. (Which sometimes I will fuck up and that’s totally okay.) A life that I’m no longer afraid to live.
I share this with you, because I'm so freakin' thankful for you. For your support on my journey (yes, fully aware I sound like an X Factor contestant), for reading my words, for your emails, for your love, for perhaps choosing to work with me but mostly, for daring to be messy imperfect you in any given moment.
Have a deliciously divine yule season, I'll be back in written form late January/Imbolc but if you want to keep up with my obsession for posting random pictures o' pretty shiz on instagram in the meantime, you can find me here - SO. MUCH. LOVE.